Music

It's really important to me. Heck it's important to most of the kids I know! But I have a slight problem. I like to sing. And I'm not that great. And if I accidentally start singing at all I'm told to be quiet. At first when my mom told me to stop singing and be quiet I always thought it was because she was busy a) concentrating on the road while driving, b) concentrating on her photos while she used photoshop, or c) just needed some time to think before she had to start doing either of the above. But after a bit I realized that she just didn't want to hear my voice. Even if I talk in her company, she has to take over the conversation and keep my voice out of it. So now I do my best to try and keep my mouth shut. It's really hard. I'm the kind of person that needs to voice her thoughts and opinions. But most of the time I bite the side of my mouth and tell myself to shut up. It's been about three years since I made this decision and I still can't do it perfectly. But I'm doing better...I think.

As for my father, he is almost never home. If he is he's working from home, sleeping, biking with his friends, running with his friends, on the couch sleeping with a biking or running injury, or urging me and the boys to join him while he runs/bikes solo. This leaves me next to no time to even talk to him, so really I just try and keep things simple. My philosophy is that if I don't start, then no problems will arise. Basically, as long as I don't sing or hum or dance from one place to the other when he's home, then I wont have the same problem that I have with my mother, with my father.

But aside from my parents there's my friends. They're understanding for sure, or at least sympathetic. They listen to me vent to them and they're always there, but I'm always to embarrassed to just sing in front of them. I consider them to be almost family, but that the thing, they're only almost family. So it's different. I mean I don't mind singing for the school play or school talent show, that's different. I only do the talent show thing so my mother will let me choreograph a dance number with some of the kids in my class, and when you're onstage in front of an audience, you can ignore the people and pretend you're actually that character. You can lose yourself in the acting and sing. For me it's easier like that. But when I sing in real life, in front of people I can see and I know, it's me singing. Just me. And it's that rawness that scares me. So I try not to. I used to sing in front of my closest and bestest friend (no names here), but she always got so annoyed by it and treated me the way my mom did so after awhile I stopped that to.

But because of all this, all this trying not to sing or hum or dance from place to place (even in math class), My head is always so full. It's like there's five different radios playing at the same time, all tuned to different music stations, with all the different songs and lyrics becoming a huge jumbled up mess, so that when I do hear something, like my mother giving me directions, I often forget it almost immediately. It's really sad actually. When I was eleven, I used to try talking to my self in the mirror or singing in my room, but it always made me cry and feel pathetic.

I actually have no clue why I wrote all this. I guess it's just kinda nice to know that I have a place where I can just be me where anyone can see it only if they want. It's like giving people a choice, like saying "this is me but if you don't want to know about it just close this window and find something else to do" ya know? I think this is good for me.