Love VI

I'm in a very bad mood right now and am currently havering some very conceited and hateful thoughts towards some very important people in my life. It's a shame. I started out today with such a good mood and ever since I got home I seem to have plummeted from my blissful high. Life sucks like that sometimes. Life's a bitch. 

I'd talk more, but I really am pissed. I can't even think to be funny. This is ridiculous. I'm way too call for the amount of hatred I feel welling up inside me. Hormones are weird. Teens are weird. Girls are weird. Life is weird. I'm weird. Sigh.

Well good night I guess. At least tomorrow's Friday.

Love V

Sometimes I think I'm in love.

I always had crushes as a kid. This character. That classmate. Some kid I met on the mountain last December. I crushed on anyone and everyone who caught my interest. It was natural. Normal. And of course there were the few crushes that lasted years and then some that lasted minutes, but I was used to having feelings like these. Wavering and unstable, yet never unsure until after the fact. I was content with being able to crush on people from afar. I never even wanted more, so I told myself.

But nowadays? I think I might be in love.

In fact, I've been thinking seriously about this for awhile and I realized that the easiest thing to do in the situation, in fact the only thing expected in a situation like this from a girl with as much "spunk" as I have, would be to go ahead and "confess" (I apologize for sounding dramatic, but I really have no other way to word it).

However, the world isn't as simple as that. It would be different if he was just some upperclassman who I admired and found attractive, but I consider the relationship we have now to be friendship, and I would really hate to put that in jeopardy. I am comfortable with what we share now. In fact, a large part of me wants things to stay this way. But deep down inside me there's another voice, saying I deserve more. I should try for more. I want more. This annoying and pushy voice is at persistent as I can be, and no matter how much I muffle it, it just won't shut up. So after much consideration I have decided.

I will stop fantasizing about a new boy every week and focus entirely on my one true love, until I work up the courage to tell them my feelings and prepare my heart and mind for the wors---

PFFT. YEAH, AS IF!! LOL IM DYING. IF YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT BULL, SHAME ON YOU! XD XD XD XD AS IF MY LIFE IS THAT CHEESY LOLLLLLL. I CRACK MYSELF UP!

And that is my belated April Fools Day gift to you.

Gnite you guys~

Love IV

Love is weird.

We all crave love at one point, and we are all hurt by love at another. It gives us motivations, makes us lose our concentration, changes our daily habits and adds flavor to our everyday routines. Love is like a poison and love is like a cure. Love is a hassle. Love is just plain dumb.

It's weird is all.

And love comes in all sorts of types and levels. Like really. Split personality disorder much???

It's not something humans have. It's loves own personal disorder.

Anyways, love needs to get it's own life in check and stop screwing with mine ours. Like REALLY!! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!! Lets say you have three different types of shirts to choose from. Theres the normal ones, the cute ones, and the nice ones. Then there are maybe four or five different colors for each shirt. Now let's say you're at the store, and you REALLY REALLY REALLY want to buy some, but you NEED one of each type at least, yet only have enough money for three altogether, so naturally the smart choice would be to buy one of each type (the normal, cute, and nice) because you're saving the rest of your money for lunch (I don't know. Just bear with the analogy).

So what do you do? You absolutely know for sure that you totally want, like, buy all of them, but you know your restrictions so you go looking for advice. From who?

YOUR BEST FRIEND! DUH!

But see, your best friend has multiple personality disorder and changes people every few minutes, so instead of getting to a decision, you just get a bunch of different people's opinions. AND THEN YOU'RE STUCK WITH EVEN MORE ANXIETY! 

Well doesn't this suck. Now you just want all the shirts all the more. So, you scream "SCREW THIS" and end up finding a hoodie instead.

Story of my life, I swear.

GO DIE, LOVE!

OH and then this song <(^__^< )*

Love III

In my world there is no middle ground. There is just this constant jumping back and forth between highs, lows, lefts, rights, and backwards. I would include forwards, but seeing as you can't exactly not move forward in time, I figure that's a given. However, I'm not an extremist. Last year, I wondered if that label applied to me, but it really doesn't. 'Cause if you think about it, even though there is no middle ground to stand on, there are always different degrees of everything. It's like this color wheel thing. Something, I'm sure anyone with a decent computer has seen before.

The wheel is the world of all of the emotions and opinions and thoughts and everything anyone has ever experienced ever. But you can only be truly alive if you are on a color. So no matter what, there will always be that one tiny middle space of pure white where you can't stand, can't touch, can't reach. 

Can't live, really.

So it's not really extremist, all things considered. I just don't live in the white space. Just try and imagine how lonely that would feel, being completely unbiased about everything and anything. I know I couldn't do it.

So by that theory, if we apply it to the world, love, and hate (three extremely big concepts I like to dabble in for kicks), does this mean the world loves me? Or hates me?

It's all very puzzling.

Well, on one hand, I could be extremely pessimistic and say that because I have not had a proper confession from the world saying they love me it means that the world must hate me, which pretty much makes me scum that should die within the next few seconds.

But on the other hand, we can assume the world is shy and not straightforward in sending messages (as per usual) and say that because the world hasn't told me it hates me, that it must love me in some way shape or form on some level or the other.

So, by that logic, the world loves me unconditionally, at least a little bit. But the one thing I can say for sure is that the world is not indifferent.

Nothing is truly indifferent or unbiased.

I mean, I can ignore someone for days on end and not show any signs of change. But isn't that a sort of hate? To give someone the cold shoulder is like denying their existence. Why would you go thru the effort if you were truly indifferent?

But if you were indifferent, then why would you talk to them in the first place.

Words like these are so flexible and undefined that they almost feel like jello in your mouth. All wiggly and jiggly and wobbly as ever, but it stays where it is. That would explain why jello is so hard to draw. Try it. It's such a pain. 

SO. If this is my theory, my theory needs a name (you know. just so like, in case it gets real popular and someone decides to be dumb and form a cult after it.) But I wont be super narcissistic and name it after me. That's just rude. It's like saying OH I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER HAD THIS IDEA ON THEIR OWN. There were probably loads of people who came before me. I just happened to write it down. 

I will name it the Indifferent, Unbiased, Clean Slate Theory. It doesnt't even halfway make sense. But that's okay, it suits me fine.

And between making sense and not making sense, the latter seems more interesting.

I should make a theory for that to. The constant need to make a more interesting choice rather than the most logical. Anyways, I will end this now. G'nigh--

[dial tone]

Love II and Music VI and Endings III and Beginnings

So I just got back from my little brothers class dinner and like the procrastinator that I am, I decided to write a poem that spontaneously formed in my head. I know its been a really really REALLY long time but I might as well post late then never (not that more than maybe two or three people actually pay attention to what I write but WHAT THE HECK might as well ^_^)

So this one is called "Second Chances". Not the best title, but it's better then "Untitled".

Tracing the paths I used to trace

Over the curves and lines of your face

Back at square one

We’ve begun

to relearn

Palm to palm is holy palmers kiss

the feel of you is one I sorely missed

I remember the song

we’ve begun

to relearn

But sometimes

the world

doesn’t do

what you thought

and sometimes

the world

is at wrong

and you’re not

and sometimes

we realize

its not

all in vain

and sometimes

we realize

we can try

and learn again

Tracing the paths I used to trace

Over the curves and lines of your face

We’re passing square one

We’ve got more

to relearn

Love and Power III

[My boyfriend] and I had this discussion yesterday about how I don't love him

I'm little and I still don't know what love is yet

To me

Love is when you see no one but that one person, and that's all that matters

That single person has the power to crush your heart with a single sentence

and that's a scary position for me to be in

When someone has so much power over me

I don't like it

But at the same time

It's beautiful

How two people can know everything about each other

flaws, weaknesses, everything

Yet they love them for each mistake they've made

Each imperfection becomes perfect

I'm still young

I don't know what that's like

but so far,

[My Boyfriend] comes pretty damn close

I'm not sure if it's love

but if it is

I love it

~My Anonymouse *squeak* friend, Phoebe