Endings

It's almost time for dinner and just about half an hour ago Nora and I just finished writing our graduation speech. (She's valedictorian I'm salutatorian). I'm look at this thing and thinking, this isn't real. Graduation is on Wednesday, and the fact that I am leaving, that my years at the charter school will be ended in three days, it really hasn't hit me yet. Inside I'm thinking, I'm leaving. It's over. High school. Scary. Get ready. Be prepared. My schedule is packed. But outside I'm thinking- It's not real. There is no emphasis on any of those statementss. No emotion behind them. It's like my inner thoughts and my outer thoughts are two completely different beings, in addition to the me the rest of the world sees, which is just another one of the incoming freshman. 

Life is weird like that. Or maybe I'm the one that's weird like that. For performances and stuff, too. The same thing happens. The urgency and realty to my situation doesn't hit me till the last moment when it's too late to go back. Knowing me, I'll cry like a baby at graduation and wont even finish the speech, which wouldn't be good 'cause it's really well written, but it'll be my usual oh-I'm-supposed-to-be-sad-tears and I-see-all-my-friends-crying-and-I'm-sad-I-made-them-sad-but-it's-an-accomplishment-all-the-same-sob. But then, the night before the first day of high school I'll end up spaz-ing and having a freak attack and I'll bawl my eyes out when there no one around to comfort me. I hate the way my life works. It's so freaking mean. 

Then again it's definitely better then doing the crazy fit in front of some of my friends, because knowing them, they might call 911. Probably not. But you get the idea. I've been keeping a journal lately too, just to pour some of the junk out of my head so it doesn't accidentally leak out of my mouth... but lately I've been writing more and more frequently in it and I'm very very scared someone might realize I'm a little crazy in the head. Not really. But you get the idea.

You know what I've been realizing to be very true. Something my Language Arts teacher told me. She said that all of my conversations tend to be stream of consciousness and she is so true. Even my mini monologues to random strangers that I post on this blog are like that. Which brings me back to my point that I am crazy. I mean, who else would just throw their random thoughts about life on the internet for anyone to see if they're not crazy? Me. Well I guess that means I'm not actual crazy seeing as I'm acknowledging the fact that I am, if that makes any sense, and it would be sensible to end this post here and now, but seeing as I'm not a sensible human being (which by saying that proves that I am) i will continue on my rant about endings.

Which are actually a lot more similar to beginnings then most would think. Both are significant points in and story/timeline/speech which brings me back to my original point. The beginnings and ending of our speech by Nora and I make me cry so bad I'm scared I won't be able to read my parts write. But I have a feeling if I read it enough times I'll get all the tears out of my system... Maybe. This whole speech thing is really nerve-wracking, and seeing as I've already had it proofread by my LA teacher, it's the principal's turn which is very scary seeing as the principal scares me a little to begin with. 

But see, everything's happening so fast I barely have time to think about how frazzled I am, until I finally sit down and take the time to talk about my feelings. Which doesn't happen too often as you might be able to tell, seeing as everything is being spewed out of my brain right now. By this point in time I have a feeling most people would have given up on reading the whole post seeing as it was very long and boring, but for those of you who did thank you for your kindness, even though you really didn't need to and will probably not gain anything from reading this I thank you for your small act of kindness. And if you would be so kind, would you mind posting what's running through your mind in the comments section below when you're done. I'd love seeing who actually read through the whole thing. Thank you. The end. Ja ne. I'm exhausted.