Love and Power III

[My boyfriend] and I had this discussion yesterday about how I don't love him

I'm little and I still don't know what love is yet

To me

Love is when you see no one but that one person, and that's all that matters

That single person has the power to crush your heart with a single sentence

and that's a scary position for me to be in

When someone has so much power over me

I don't like it

But at the same time

It's beautiful

How two people can know everything about each other

flaws, weaknesses, everything

Yet they love them for each mistake they've made

Each imperfection becomes perfect

I'm still young

I don't know what that's like

but so far,

[My Boyfriend] comes pretty damn close

I'm not sure if it's love

but if it is

I love it

~My Anonymouse *squeak* friend, Phoebe

Music V

I will never be a songwriter. But that doesn't mean I can't try!
Yeah no. Nevermind. It does.
Hehe. This one is called Hurricane. I try too hard. (TRY HARD!!!!)

This is how it ends

just like how it all began

with you on one end

and them on the other

and me stuck somewhere

just stuck in the middle

of this crazy

mad

amazing

wind of war

the hurricane comes

and rips us apart

(the hurricane comes)

it tears at our hearts

brings our world to the floor

no, we can’t deal with this

cra-zi-ness no more

baby, baby

why are we falling apart

(baby, baby)

why are you breaking my heart

(baby, baby)

I thought that you were innocent

not gonna let myself

get sucked into this shit

again

This is how it ends

you feel the world cave in

shattered glass covers the floor

can’t you see there’s so much more

then this wild storm of hate

then this savage storm of fury

then this crazy

mad

amazing

wind of war

the hurricane comes

and rips us apart

(the hurricane comes)

it tears at our hearts

brings our world to the floor

no, we can’t deal with this

cra-zi-ness no more

baby, baby

why are we falling apart

(baby, baby)

why are you breaking my heart

(baby, baby)

I thought that you were innocent

not gonna let myself

get sucked into this shit

again

we’re watching as the days go by

eyes clouded with fake tears gone dry

we see the universe gone wrong

but all I do is sing this stupid

song

baby, baby

why are we falling apart

(baby, baby)

why are you breaking my heart

(baby, baby)

I thought that you were innocent

not gonna let myself

get sucked into this shit-

baby, baby

here we go again

(baby, baby)

this has gotta be the end

(baby, baby)

we gotta get out of this mess

‘cause I don’t want things to end like this-

baby, baby

why are we falling apart

(baby, baby)

why are you breaking my heart

(baby, baby)

I thought that you were innocent

not gonna let myself

get sucked into this shit

again

M'kay. Now that you've finished plowing through my terrible attempt at songwriting you should really go look up About a Girl by The Academy is...

You should also definitely listen to every single song ever by Two Door Cinema Club (my current faves are Changing of the Seasons Eat it up, That's good for You Undercover Martyn)

OOOOHH!!! And it'd be horrible if I missed Hoodie Allen. Not Woodie Allen (for those of you of an older age group). It's Hoodie Allen. #whitegirlproblems. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

And if you aren't already a die hard fan of OneRepublic (not direction. ew) Then get to it. Won't Stop. So. Freaking. Cute. :*

Tired III

Okay. So I've started babysitting/tutoring my mother's, friend's, middle son. It's one of the most tiring things I have ever done. So after waking up insanely early to catch my bus and enduring a whole day of school (forgetting my ramen nonetheless-god, was I pissed), I barely have time to change out of my disgusting clothes before I have to run to Staples and find out how much it is to buy a pack of 10 tab dividers, 5 tab dividers, a new binder, and a pack of pencils. Then I have to rush right back out to go and get my youngest brother from school (the other one had soccer practice) and then walking ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE EAST HALF OF TOWN to get to my students house where, surprise surprise, he was not. Misunderstandings, miscommunications, a few people got a little forgetful an hour here, two hours there, and BOOM! I lose three, perfectly good, homework hours running around town, annoying little brother in tow. Sigh. And on top of all of that, I'm still not done with my Biology Objectives due tomorrow at midnight, and our teams One Page Magazine project still hadn't been finalized, much less uploaded, and that was due TONIGHT!! Today has been a whirlwind of work, with me running around like a headless chicken trying to finish everything. Literally running around. My god. 

And yet, in the end, everything turned out alright anyway, which made it feel like all that worry and heartache was for NOTHING! Life is cruel! I feel so used. Well, we submitted the One Pg Mag, I got a high A on the last Software Apps Project, and finished everything else with enough time to blog about it. Praise me. Thank you.

Now I really should be tired. I should be exhausted to the bone. I should feel like collapsing on my bed and blacking out immediately from all the work I've done today.

Instead I feel completely exhilarated. If I could fly I think I'd climb to the top of the tallest building in the area (Empire State Building), and take off, letting the high up winds push me along as I wallowed in the glory of completion and accomplishment. Oh the joy one gets from finishing homework. 

Alright. I'm gonna go to bed now. Good night peeps. Can't wait for school tomorrow!!....maybe. 

久しぶり!! (Hisashiburi!!)

The only reason that title is any funny is because I'm not Japanese. I'm Chinese. And Indian. Maybe it's just me. But I like Japanese. But I'm taking french.

Anyway, it's been ages since I've posted on here. So the second week of high school is ending and High Tech turned out to be pretty (really awesome and) great. It's not as intimidating as I made it out to be in my head, and there's still a lot I don't know, but I'm getting there. Maybe. I've made loads of new friends, but am still close with the old, and am not exactly close with any one person at the moment.

I don't think I've mentioned it but sometime in July I started working at a chinese restaurant! All I do is answer the phone and do take out, but it's a job nonetheless. I've gotten a tutoring job for a third grader, and have been taking the bus to school for the first time in nine years.

So far my favorite class at High Tech is definitely Software Apps, but english is fun too. Actually it's really fun, but software apps is new and new things always seem to be more exciting at first, until they get old. You know what? Forget it. I'm just making this more and more confusing.

There is so much more I want to say and I would keep going but my hands are getting tired and I really need to go work on my homework. Sigh. それ じゃ! また ね! (Sore ja! Mata ne!)

Favorites III and Power II

Over the past year, I've grown to strongly dislike having favorites and taking sides. As of right now, I have no favorite color, favorite song, favorite movie, favorite person, favorite number, favorite memory, favorite ANYTHING. It also make answering questionnaires that much easier to respond to. 

Q: What's your favorite subject?

A: I don't pick favorites.

Q: What's your favorite hair style?

A: I don't pick favorites.

Q: What's your favorite dish?

A: I don't pick favorites.

and so on. Without favorites the world is just that much easier for me to live in. Also, another thing I don't like about favorites, more specifically favoring certain people over others, is that it gives them a sort of power over you.

Teacher: Alice bring this to the office.

Alice: But I thought I was your favorite!?

...or...

Mother: Sammy! That painting is amazing!

Sammy: Does this mean I can have that new game?

Mother: No.

Sammy: But I thought I was your favorite!?

See? People in power chose favorites, who in turn have power over the people in power. The world is in this weird cycle made of favorites and power, and it goes through it every second. This is why I dislike favorites. But it's not like I don't like anything. I like to dance and ski and snowboard and eat and sleep and the colors blue and purple and gray and the taste of the noodle soup at the noodle soup place in Eatontown, but if you asked me for a favorite, I'd tell you I didn't pick any. One thing in my mind is not held above all the others. It's not fair. So I just tend to avoid it. It's easier to live in this world that way.

Tired II

Lately, I've been exhausted. Maybe it's the weather, the lack of stimuli, or just the fact that it's summer vacation, but I've been going to sleep earlier then ever, taking mini naps at any hour, and resting most of the day. I'm too young to go to the beach without my parents (or anywhere else for that matter), and Mama and Papa are always busy. My brothers are like crazy animals and deserve to be placed in the zoo, and truthfully, I just don't have the energy to do anything about anything. So I'm just doing homework (a despicable word in my opinion) and blogging like a dork.

Isn't my life beautiful.

Reading II and Music IV and Endings II

I was just going through the blog again and looking at how much I've changed over the year, when i realized something so strange. Even though I love writing in crazy colors and dressing things up with bright splashes of color, I am always making my real self blend into the background. My wardrobe is made up of a million shades of black, white, and gray, and I don't even care to wear gold jewelry. Even my graduation dress is white! Speaking of graduation, it's in exactly two days now. Nora and I decided to keep how we wrote our speeches a secret till the last moment, and our principal agreed! So far, life is good, and I'm trying not to dwell to hard on the future. All I know is I will have a very peaceful summer filled with the beach, library, and sleep. The prospect of summer is getting so close. And according to Amanda, out beaches are almost summer ready. She says that water is getting warmer already which is really nice 'cause I've been asking for a trip to the beach for a while already, but on the other hand it proves how bad global warming has gotten, which is not at all good. Today at School we were going on and on about all the nine years we spent together and singing every one of our classes favorite songs from once upon a time. There's:

• Since you've been gone (kelly clarkson... I think)
• When september ends (green day)
• Hey there delilah (plain whit tees)
• Never say never (the fray)
• So what (pink)

and soooooooooooooooooooooooo many more... it's hard to remember them all. Music has always been a piece of our class, constantly drawing our bonds tighter and bring us closer to each other to help us form one large family unit. A little while back, when a few of us started to treat each other less like a happy family and more like angry teens, I realized something. Way back in seventh grade (which wasn't really that far back) we were all still wrapped up in our outside image, making sure we were the same people everyone expected us to be, living up to other's expectations and fitting into everyone else's labels for ourselves. We were the perfect TV family back then. Now, though, we've grown to become a real family. A family where not everyone gets along and arguments break out once in a while, but even if the people in charge can't quite see that, everyone in our class agrees that we all come first. Even those of us who don't necessarily care for each other would step in and help if we were in trouble. because in the end, we all have ties to each other and love one another like a real family. My family is like my second class. I mean my class is like my second family. Oh whatever! But I love everyone of them and nothing will ever change that because we are the family of 2013, the oakland originals, this year's eighth grade graduates, but above all, the one thing that will never change is that we are OURSELVES.

Music III

I've been writing a lot more poetry recently, each one sounded more and more like music. Here's one called "Nine" that I really really like and felt like sharing. It's a little depressing but the story it tells is completely fictional. I hope you guys like it. :) 

[Read out loud to get full effect]

Nine by: Maya Kelly Y. Ghosh

once upon a time

there was a boy

with a smile

that could light up lives for miles

when he was still a child

that everyone loved

and everyone cherished

and he could soothe

anyone, everyone

with his presence

his aura

his innocence

he was seven

when it started

he was nine when he died

and his corpse kept walking

like a soul

starved of light

a cry

between clenched teeth

caught

in the throat

of a seven year old boy

with a smile

that everyone loved

and everyone cherished

now theres no one’s there to cherish him

he died

at nine and seven months

and lives from day to day to day

trudging through halls

heart filled with dismay

at this

life

that he lives

without really living

just going through the motions

hoping someone makes a notion

to stop jumping through the hoops

and come back to solid ground

and find and pray and hope

for a light

to guide him home

back

to safety

back to the hope

of being

nine

Endings

It's almost time for dinner and just about half an hour ago Nora and I just finished writing our graduation speech. (She's valedictorian I'm salutatorian). I'm look at this thing and thinking, this isn't real. Graduation is on Wednesday, and the fact that I am leaving, that my years at the charter school will be ended in three days, it really hasn't hit me yet. Inside I'm thinking, I'm leaving. It's over. High school. Scary. Get ready. Be prepared. My schedule is packed. But outside I'm thinking- It's not real. There is no emphasis on any of those statementss. No emotion behind them. It's like my inner thoughts and my outer thoughts are two completely different beings, in addition to the me the rest of the world sees, which is just another one of the incoming freshman. 

Life is weird like that. Or maybe I'm the one that's weird like that. For performances and stuff, too. The same thing happens. The urgency and realty to my situation doesn't hit me till the last moment when it's too late to go back. Knowing me, I'll cry like a baby at graduation and wont even finish the speech, which wouldn't be good 'cause it's really well written, but it'll be my usual oh-I'm-supposed-to-be-sad-tears and I-see-all-my-friends-crying-and-I'm-sad-I-made-them-sad-but-it's-an-accomplishment-all-the-same-sob. But then, the night before the first day of high school I'll end up spaz-ing and having a freak attack and I'll bawl my eyes out when there no one around to comfort me. I hate the way my life works. It's so freaking mean. 

Then again it's definitely better then doing the crazy fit in front of some of my friends, because knowing them, they might call 911. Probably not. But you get the idea. I've been keeping a journal lately too, just to pour some of the junk out of my head so it doesn't accidentally leak out of my mouth... but lately I've been writing more and more frequently in it and I'm very very scared someone might realize I'm a little crazy in the head. Not really. But you get the idea.

You know what I've been realizing to be very true. Something my Language Arts teacher told me. She said that all of my conversations tend to be stream of consciousness and she is so true. Even my mini monologues to random strangers that I post on this blog are like that. Which brings me back to my point that I am crazy. I mean, who else would just throw their random thoughts about life on the internet for anyone to see if they're not crazy? Me. Well I guess that means I'm not actual crazy seeing as I'm acknowledging the fact that I am, if that makes any sense, and it would be sensible to end this post here and now, but seeing as I'm not a sensible human being (which by saying that proves that I am) i will continue on my rant about endings.

Which are actually a lot more similar to beginnings then most would think. Both are significant points in and story/timeline/speech which brings me back to my original point. The beginnings and ending of our speech by Nora and I make me cry so bad I'm scared I won't be able to read my parts write. But I have a feeling if I read it enough times I'll get all the tears out of my system... Maybe. This whole speech thing is really nerve-wracking, and seeing as I've already had it proofread by my LA teacher, it's the principal's turn which is very scary seeing as the principal scares me a little to begin with. 

But see, everything's happening so fast I barely have time to think about how frazzled I am, until I finally sit down and take the time to talk about my feelings. Which doesn't happen too often as you might be able to tell, seeing as everything is being spewed out of my brain right now. By this point in time I have a feeling most people would have given up on reading the whole post seeing as it was very long and boring, but for those of you who did thank you for your kindness, even though you really didn't need to and will probably not gain anything from reading this I thank you for your small act of kindness. And if you would be so kind, would you mind posting what's running through your mind in the comments section below when you're done. I'd love seeing who actually read through the whole thing. Thank you. The end. Ja ne. I'm exhausted. 

Music II

On Saturday my friends and I went to laser tag for another friends birthday party and it was loads and loads of fun, but what this post is about is the ride back home (even if I do have some super funny stories of the actual party). Anyway, my mom had offered to give some of the girls a ride back home and while we were in the car my friend Lola and I got into this really in depth conversation about songs. Specifically song lyrics, song names, over usage of techno-beats and auto-tune, and other related topics. And so as we were talking obviously everyone was listening and my mom got this great idea that I should try out song writing. At first I thought it was pretty ridiculous, but I did try to that night because my mom had said to. And after a while I realized i wasn't all that terrible. One thing pissed me off though. The fact that my beats were way simple and my songs were too country (my least favorite genre of music). So I guess that two things but you get the idea. And there I was with a beat up marble journal, an old pencil, and a headache trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. The answer came to me today in LA in a very "a-ha!" sort of moment. Super theatrical, palm heel forehead, make stupid face, the works. And it was then that I realized (while this one kid I may or may not like stared at me like I was an idiot... which I am) that I had been lacking rhythm. And a clear head, but that's besides the point. And the best part was that I had found that rhythm. And with that rhythm came ideas and a passion for my writing that had been dormant for the past few months and I felt like I was in seventh grade again making the realization that I loved writing and I was so....... happy. It was beautiful. So now I am taking some of my least favorite poems from sixth and seventh (and the beginning of eighth) grade and tweaking them a bit. And now they are gorgeous pieces of me. I'm in heaven.

Stupid Dreams and their Dangers

What always hit me first, was the fear. Of what, or why, I didn't register. Only the heart stopping fear that enveloped my soul and crushed my heart as I ran and ran and ran. I was in my own house. Of that much I always felt certain. It looked nothing like my house, and some parts of my dreamland would be impossible to replicate in real life, but if I just tilted my head and squinted through my dream sweat I could always tell. I was definitely in my own house. The Living room had become a sort of field area, covered in tall grass and dandelions, the kind children pluck and give to their friends. The kind of plant recognized as weeds in the adults' eyes. Then the dining room, in contrast to the field, was a marsh. The kind from story books, where you could do nothing but expect a princess to wander by and turn a frog into a prince. A marsh filled with bugs and other fascinating, small things of beauty. Then the kitchen. Our narrow and stuffed kitchen had been turned into nothing spectacular. Just a rope bridge. Crossing over who knows what. But I barely ever noticed the house and all its changes. I mostly felt the fear. I was always running. Always. I was always running away. But I never once looked back to see what I was running from. All I knew, was the fear. I ran in a continuous circle. Feild. Marsh. Bridge. Feild. Marsh. Bridge. Again and again. I never got farther away. It never got closer to me. And then suddenly, I had wings. Or rather I already had wings, I just remembered that I could use them. Something in me seemed to know that if I took off I'd be free. The thing would stop chasing me. But something held me back. I would lose something. But that something was just as eluding as whatever it was. So I took the jump. I unfurled my wings and then... I remembered. What I remembered was always different. Or maybe it wasn't. I never remembered what I remembered. Just that I did. Remeber that is. But whatever it was was important. and the wings would disappear. Or maybe they just wouldn't work any longer. either way I would end up falling. Down into whatever was under the bridge. And I would lose everything the second I reached the bottom. But I never reached the bottom. Never.


I woke up.

Light. Bulb.

Okay so just now I was looking at my blog and reflecting at how funny my little self was and I was studying all my posts and comments and what not about flying and stuff (don't worry I still want working wings) and I realized that I AM a bird.
...
...
...
...
I'm a penguin.
It's sooooooooo depressing. I'm clumsy and can swim and have black fur (hair in my case) and like to eat fish, but I can't fly. However if I was a smidget more reckless I might have the guts to try and jump off a cliff, while flapping my arms like an idiot before flopping into the water and running away from killer seals. Excuse me. Swimming away from killer seals. Sigh. I wonder if reincarnation is possible. If it was I'd like to be an eagle. Or a hummingbird. Or a flamingo. But I don't think flamingos fly. I have to look that up. Well I'm still stuck in the ski lodge but I'm not complaining. Recently my school got the crossfit place behind us to volunteer hours so that our class could go there three times a week. It's a lot of fun (the exercises anyway), but I don't like the instructor much, and it's a little too extraneous for some of my classmates. Like Amanda who has really thin blood and should be taking in more iron in her diet, nearly passed out twice. TWICE! Neither the teachers or the instructors did anything helpful. One of our teachers tried to tell her to put her head between her knees and I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME! You only do that if you have to throwup. If you are going to black out you should stand straight up or lie flat and let your blood circulate. Our Teacher is crazy. And Alma threw up and was really embarrassed but then kept going like it was no big deal (she doesn't like attention much) only to have the guy in charge keep pointing it out and making her want to hide in a corner. God that place can be annoying. But other then that I really do like crossfit. It's fun to do the stuff and I'm teaching Indy and Milan some of the stuff we do there. Oh well. Till later then. (Or whenever I remember this blog exists.)

Clouds

Okay, so in science on friday we were learning about this kid Zach Sobiech who had bone cancer that now spread to his lung and hips and he has months to live because there are no more effective treatments. Anyway, after learning about what'll come in the spring, he decided to live life to the fullest and started making music. I love his song, Clouds, 'cause it's just amazing and I advise all of you to purchase it off iTunes.

Which is exactly hat I am attempting to do now.

See, I've been asking my mom nearly three to five times a day (friday, saturday, and today) to buy the song, and promised I would pay her back (I got fifty bucks for chinese new year), but she keeps on coming up busy. So now we are in the ski lodge and I just finished doing my homework, and I asked her to download it please please please, and she said.....(drum roll please)....

"Cough, cough hack cough, choke choke, hack cough."

There is obviously something wrong with her lungs lately.

give me a second please. My phone just dinged.

(Five seconds later)

Aaaaaaaaaaaand it's DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now its your turn. :)